Omg, It’s 2020 and this year has already felt so much better than last. Although I keep running into this issue.... I literally write the date wrong on everything. So many years having it be in the teens, i’m not used to dating things with 20! Okay, that was kind of dumb but I mess it up everyday. This blog is to know about my everyday life right?! Well there you have it! I’m nineteen years old and still cannot write the date properly. Love that for me. Moving on,
I’m currently sitting on my comfy bed, surrounded by all my boyfriends sweatshirts that I steal and have no intention of giving back and I’m feeling inspired. What am I so inspired by you may ask? Well its simple, I’m inspired by the sun. There is a certain time of day in my room when the sun shines through my window and it just always feels like god is connected to me and trying to reach me. The light always shines directly on this globe that I have sitting in my room. I take this as signs to travel. I itch to travel, although in a different way that I did 5 months ago. One of the most beautiful things that happened to me this Gap Year was falling in love. I’ve never felt this kind of romantic love before. In high school I was always the girl that just had multiple “things” with people, but the minute it got too deep, I ended it. Sorry boys it really wasn’t you… it’s me. I didn't know why I was so afraid of commitment, but after I met Dany it all made sense. I just was never with the right person. I don't know yet if I belive in only one true love. I haven't lived through enough to have that answer for myself. I do know that this feeling is addictive and when I’m with him I feel safe. Thats more important to me than one would ever know. Feeling safe and secure is so valuable as I go though life changes knowing that the future is anything but secure. Everyone always says that the life of an actor is go go go and you never know what comes next. This past year alone everything was up in the air and changing all around me. So for me to feel so grounded with someone has been the best medicine. My therapist was right when she told me that what I need to do is open myself up and let myself fall in love. As I explore this relationship I do realize that no relationship is easy, and when you put so much trust and energy into someone sometimes hurt is a result of that. I have amazing friends and my journal so I feel invincible when it comes to the lows. I don't fully mean it though, sometimes I’m weak and I have an extremely hard time of letting go. If anyone has mastered the art of “letting go” please text me with your secrets, I’m begging you.
Lets get back on track here shall we.
Travel:
I itch to travel, but not in the same way as before because now I want to experience it all with him. I’m leaving to South America in approximately thirteen days. Holy shit. I haven't done that count down until literally right now and that is terrifying. Its literally the definition of bitter sweet though because I CAN’T WAIT to go to Ecuador to see my beloved family and travel around with one of my greatest friends Cecilia. Who is literally super woman right now as she has been in South America since October, backpacking ALONE. Girl, you inspire me and I look up to your strength. Who knows who actually reads this, but I have to be honest. My trip was originally going to be nine weeks, and I shortened it to six. I know my mom is disappointed in me, and some of my friends are, but I don't know how to explain to my loved ones that this was truly the right decision for me right now. I know it was weak but I was really struggling with the idea of being away for over two months. My relationship is so amazing, but it’s also fresh and to be honest, I’m scared of what two months away would do. I can get all the advice in the world from the adults around me saying im making a mistake, but I need to make them myself and learn from myself. In about 4 months I will no longer be living at home, I don’t know where I’ll be, but it certainly won’t be home. I feel good right now, I feel content. I’m craving more piercings and I want a tattoo so bad, for some reason I’m craving personal change but not within my environment.
P.S
Go to RH Minneapolis Rooftop Restaurant and order an iced oat milk chai with vanilla. It will change your life.
See you on the airplane
Love,
Panda