The letter, almost.....

Today I woke up with a pit in my stomach. The leftover worries and pain from the night before. I never really experienced the truth to hurt until it really does. It’s the truth that stabs you in the heart and is left to scab over. The issue about a scab is that if you pick at it, it’ll re open and you feel the diluted pain all over again. I ask myself why the hell I keep picking at my scabs. It causes more damage than good, and it hurts so bad to relive moments that once felt so suffocating. It seems like my battle with mental health is far from over. Some days are good, and some days are so bad that it erases the weeks and hours of effort I once put in to “feel better,” to forget, to forgive, to let go, to move on. 

In high school whenever I had feelings for someone and it didn’t work out, I wrote them a letter. I wrote them a letter putting everything on the table, all my fears, feelings, confusions, the hurt, everything. Although the letter is addressed to all the “hims” I have encountered, I never actually send it. It’s for me, for my collection of thoughts and my personal peace of mind.

I almost had to write a letter last night. Although this would have topped the rest of them all. This one is to my first love, my first love who I pray every day will be my last. There is so much work I know I need to do, but I need help, I can’t do it alone. I wonder though if that’s okay. Is it wrong to need someone else? Should I suffer through it alone? 

I don’t know. 

I love you so much

Sincerely, 

Kay

I miss the morning

The darker it gets the more I feel the fear creep in. I’m a morning bird, I love waking up to the sun shinning through the window and the smell of coffee brewing. I think I love the morning so much because it’s the start to a new day, start to a dirty blank sheet of paper ready to be written on. I say dirty because it’s recycled from the days before. I’ve learned that the past always sticks around and sometimes I have trouble erasing it off my new page but once I do the dust lingers or in other words the pain does. I can let go, but I’m still working on the forgetting part. I like the mornings because I feel inspired to have a purposeful day. Usually I prefer a busy day, although that has been more of a challenge recently due to COVID-19. As I write that word I shiver, for too many reasons to count. I’m sitting in a room with a huge bed and my comfy blanket Gabe made me for graduation. I’m under white lights and behind me is a heart made out of light with polaroids of our life in the middle. I feel calm, relaxed, numb. I know that I have been pushing so many people away and for those that feel hurt by me, I’m sorry. I don’t have more to say at the current moment but know that I’m sorry and that one day when my vision is cleared I will make things right again. Now please excuse my following language but I feel I must express something. Life’s a bitch. 

Goodnight,

Ananda 

Dear mom and dad

I dont want to live an ordinary life. I feel right now that if I choose love I’ll lose some love. How can I have the perfect balance of being with my forever and still growing as a person? I need some independence and space to make mistakes and not feel that I’m hurting people in the process. It’s inevitable that I’ll cause pain if I follow my heart. I guess the question I have is should I live the life my friends and family want me to live? Or should I live the life that I want to live? No matter the consequences?

Everyone tells me that life is so hard. If life is hard then why is it worth it? I can answer my own question by knowing that I matter and I will make my mark on this world. I don’t want to go through life and follow my brain. I don’t want to always make the smartest choice. I rather follow my heart and follow my joy and fall so hard after that I have a story to tell. I’m so young, I dont want to start living like I have no chances left, because as I see it, I have all the chances in the world. No matter how dark you can always ALWAYS make a comeback…..if you work for it. As my beautiful friend Audrey has said to me, I want to live my life and love with reckless abandon.

I think I need to follow my heart and chase my new goals. I trust that I’ll prove others wrong in the process.

Call me selfish but I chose me.

I love you, and I’m sorry if this isn’t the path you chose for me. I do hope that one day you will understand.

-Ananda CS

3,247 miles away from you

I’m currently 3,247 miles away and I have never felt so close to him. I’m sitting on this colorful comfortable bed in Ecuador listening to the classy jazz that my Aubelito has on repeat. I just got done having “dinner” with my abuelos and my bff Cecilia who I have gotten to share this incredible experience with. I say dinner like that because here our dinners are small. We usually call it “cafecito.” Coffee hour, makes sense right? Coffee at 7pm. I always opt for the tea option because 1: I love tea and 2: I don't like straight black coffee. We ate humitas today which are a sweet corn bread with cheese in the middle. They look like tamales and are definitely my favorite. I was sitting across from my abuelo and I saw my father's face clear as day. I never realized that they looked so alike. I asked them how they felt about my dad dating an american (my mother.) After many laughs and stories it got serious and I saw the pain in my abuelitos eyes as he talked about my father. He told me that my dad was so brave and so in love. I’m not surprised though, my dad has always moved through the world with so much light and love surrounding him. Mi abuelito me dejo algo muy importante. La vida no es fácil, cuesta vivir. It does, it costs to live. For all of us, not just the immigrants, or the poor, or the suffering. Everyone has a story that carries its significance in it’s own unique way. I never knew that my dad would write them letters from the US. My abuelita had them all saved. I got so emotional reading them aloud because my dad would write to his parents through my perspective when I was first born. Four day old me would be writing to them, and in those letters his love for his family and my mother shined through most of all. I think I know now where I got my kick for writing and storytelling. I never knew my dad could write like that. The life of my parents is still so mysterious to me and I’m eager to learn more. I’ll be away from home for about a month. I know my family wishes I would stay more, or they have higher hopes for me. This is what I can healthily give forward right now. A month of learning, and writing, and being open to the feelings and the vibes of life. I’m in my favorite place in the world and whenever I let my anxiety take over I know my cure. It's not my medicine that will just put me straight to sleep, it's my family that will love me and teach me all the goodness of life. My dad will always be a part of me, I feel so connected to him. I’m proud of where I come from and of my roots. 

Eres lo maximo papito, de verdad. 

P.s I love you too mommy!!! So SO much. Can’t wait to uncover more of your story.

-Anandita 

How do you spell 2020?

Omg, It’s 2020 and this year has already felt so much better than last. Although I keep running into this issue.... I literally write the date wrong on everything. So many years having it be in the teens, i’m not used to dating things with 20! Okay, that was kind of dumb but I mess it up everyday. This blog is to know about my everyday life right?! Well there you have it! I’m nineteen years old and still cannot write the date properly. Love that for me. Moving on,

I’m currently sitting on my comfy bed, surrounded by all my boyfriends sweatshirts that I steal and have no intention of giving back and I’m feeling inspired. What am I so inspired by you may ask? Well its simple, I’m inspired by the sun. There is a certain time of day in my room when the sun shines through my window and it just always feels like god is connected to me and trying to reach me. The light always shines directly on this globe that I have sitting in my room. I take this as signs to travel. I itch to travel, although in a different way that I did 5 months ago. One of the most beautiful things that happened to me this Gap Year was falling in love. I’ve never felt this kind of romantic love before. In high school I was always the girl that just had multiple “things” with people, but the minute it got too deep, I ended it. Sorry boys it really wasn’t you… it’s me. I didn't know why I was so afraid of commitment, but after I met Dany it all made sense. I just was never with the right person. I don't know yet if I belive in only one true love. I haven't lived through enough to have that answer for myself. I do know that this feeling is addictive and when I’m with him I feel safe. Thats more important to me than one would ever know. Feeling safe and secure is so valuable as I go though life changes knowing that the future is anything but secure. Everyone always says that the life of an actor is go go go and you never know what comes next. This past year alone everything was up in the air and changing all around me. So for me to feel so grounded with someone has been the best medicine. My therapist was right when she told me that what I need to do is open myself up and let myself fall in love. As I explore this relationship I do realize that no relationship is easy, and when you put so much trust and energy into someone sometimes hurt is a result of that. I have amazing friends and my journal so I feel invincible when it comes to the lows. I don't fully mean it though, sometimes I’m weak and I have an extremely hard time of letting go. If anyone has mastered the art of “letting go” please text me with your secrets, I’m begging you. 

Lets get back on track here shall we.

Travel:

I itch to travel, but not in the same way as before because now I want to experience it all with him. I’m leaving to South America in approximately thirteen days. Holy shit. I haven't done that count down until literally right now and that is terrifying. Its literally the definition of bitter sweet though because I CAN’T WAIT to go to Ecuador to see my beloved family and travel around with one of my greatest friends Cecilia. Who is literally super woman right now as she has been in South America since October, backpacking ALONE. Girl, you inspire me and I look up to your strength. Who knows who actually reads this, but I have to be honest. My trip was originally going to be nine weeks, and I shortened it to six. I know my mom is disappointed in me, and some of my friends are, but I don't know how to explain to my loved ones that this was truly the right decision for me right now. I know it was weak but I was really struggling with the idea of being away for over two months. My relationship is so amazing, but it’s also fresh and to be honest, I’m scared of what two months away would do. I can get all the advice in the world from the adults around me saying im making a mistake, but I need to make them myself and learn from myself. In about 4 months I will no longer be living at home, I don’t know where I’ll be, but it certainly won’t be home. I feel good right now, I feel content. I’m craving more piercings and I want a tattoo so bad, for some reason I’m craving personal change but not within my environment. 

P.S

Go to RH Minneapolis Rooftop Restaurant and order an iced oat milk chai with vanilla. It will change your life.

See you on the airplane 

Love,

Panda 

Lost in New York

It’s currently 6pm here in Syracuse NY. I’ve checked out of my hotel, had one of the best auditions of my life and I’m now wondering if I’ll be able to get on my flight to the city tonight.

It all started yesterday when I thought my flight was leaving at 6pm. I woke up around 5am with a weird feeling, I turned to check my phone and I saw 5 texts from my mother and 3 from my dad. To keep it short, I had to leave the house by 7:15am to catch a 10am flight to Atlanta Georgia to escape the wicked snow storm that was coming to Minneapolis. I wasn't home so I took a uber and packed in thirty minutes. I had my makeup on from the night before and was very much in  need of a shower. My dad was also trying to escape the snow as he was flying out to Quito Ecuador for work (ironic I know) and we both managed to get on the 10am flight to Atlanta. Thank god I was with my papito. Anxiety was at a high as I was stressed about missing my hair appointment that I very much needed, and I just overall didn't feel prepared for my week full of auditions. If you know me, you know that spontaneity is definitely something I’m working on, so you can imagine my stress as I didn't have my usual 3 hour routine for packing. The cherry on top was my messed up coffee order. This is dramatic I know but no one can really make an iced dirty chai with oat milk and a shot of vanilla like RH Minneapolis can. So if you wanna try that sexy drink, hit me up because I just so happen to also WORK there....... No shame in plugging my overpriced job because I love it. Anyway, back on track. Through the craze of this all I realized how calming and important a good ol “safe travels” text from a friend means to me. The friends who remembered and reached out kept me grounded. So to the real ones, thank you. My beautiful friend Audrey got me an airplane necklace for my birthday and to say I’m obsessed would be an understatement. This necklace will never leave my body as I will continue to be brave this year and do much travel alone. Also the airport security guy confused me for a flight attendant because of it! LOL! I know I’m a baby but I definitely cried when I had to say bye to my papi in Atlanta because I was scared. I was scared to check into a hotel by myself and figure out all my audition legistices without the loving hugs I get from my family. The good thing is I brought my stuffed panda along with me for the ride, so I had no shame in taking her out of my backpack on the airplane. I needed to feel safe and for whatever reason the stuffed panda I’ve had since I was two, did just that. I bet many can relate to the feeling of stress and fear when you are walking on a tiny airplane and your suitcase keeps getting stuck as you attempt to trail it behind you. So picture teary eyed Ananda trying to squeeze her over packed suitcase through the aisle. Now picture a salty flight attendant lowkey scold me for having a big suitcase as it wasnt really fitting great in the overhead bin. He stressed me out, but that could also be because my anxiety was in full swing. Somehow I made it through that tiny flight, found my Uber and made it safely into my hotel room. I got a vegan salad, worked out, drank Kombucha, and went to BED. 

This morning, I continued to live the solo life as I mentally and physically prepared for my audition. What am I auditioning for you ask? Sorry, can't tell you.... I don't want to jinx anything...

Today I felt calm in that audition room, because I realized something. Every audition is an opportunity to perform. I also don't have anything to lose anymore because if there is one thing this gap year has taught me its that no matter what, life goes on, and I will succeed. This gap year has given me so many opportunities. I fell in love (definitely a story for another time) I booked my first show at the Guthrie, I have an incredible job with many travel opportunities and I found my passion for the Arts again. It will never really feel the same though, because I don't have that innocence and belief that no matter what Broadway is within reach. I haven't given up, but I have faced reality a little more and realize that to be famous on Broadway doesn't happen to you just because you dream of it. 

Now I’ve been sitting in this airport for 7 hours and I’m exhausted, if you facetime me, I apologize in advance for my attitude and if you text me with grammar or spelling notes @Luca I will steal all your favorite sweaters. 

Let's hope they don't delay my fight a 6th time....

Love,

Ananda

My heart feels broken, my chest is on fire, and anxiety is high

but

I know its moments like these that make me stronger and everything happens for a reason

Really Gap Year?

Yes I am doing the whole college application process over again, and yes it is a pain, and yes it can be really hard on my pride. With all things considered I know I need to do this. It’s no secret that I’m taking a Gap Year, and it was finally time for me to explain to the Common App why.

So here we go,,,,,,

I recently received some advice that has changed the way I move through the world. A four word sentence that I will carry with me forever: life isn't a race. I love school, I love learning and constantly challenging my intellect, but something about the world beyond it called to me too. I think with my heart and I let poetic words drive me through not only school and theater, but through my life and around different places in the world . One thing I always knew about myself was that I love to travel. Growing up in a biracial home, cultural differences made me who I am and they continue to inspire and fascinate me as I encounter them in other spaces. To explore more about myself and why other cultures and experiences draw me, I decided to take a Gap Year. In this Gap Year I have traveled to NYC for a little art inspiration, I took a trip to Montreal with AFS Intercultural and was a youth participant in their Young Active Global Citizens Day, and I have been rehearsing in A Chrsitmas Carol at the Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis, MN. Once my show closes I plan on backpacking through South America for 6 weeks and spending lots of time in Ecuador with my family to discover more about my roots and culture. I also have a passion for writing and I have recently started a blog to document what I experience and open it up to the world. My blog consists of everything in my life but it centers around travel. I look forward to these next couple of months to explore, learn about the world, and share it with my community through my writing. There is so much to discover and I have learned that it’s okay to give myself the time to do just that—explore—because at the end of the day it's not about how fast I got there, it’s about how I found my way along the journey.

This isn’t easy, if I’m being honest I have really struggled. I know this is right for me and I know I am growing everyday from it.

Life isn’t a race. Life isn’t a race. Life isn’t a race.

Goodnight!

Panda